Randball
See more of the story

Commenter Clarence Swamptown takes you gently into the darkness. Yes, this will be the last RandBall post until next Tuesday morning. Marthaler almost convinced us to do a "If Timberwolves players were Twilight characters" post to take things into the break, but Clarence saved the day. Here we go:

-----------------

Once again, World Cup soccer has come and gone, teased and disappointed. Every four years we receive a late-night drunken call from this exotic vixen. And every four years we eagerly rush to her apartment, lured by promises of an exciting multicultural soccer experience. This year, I am not sure, but I think Landon Donovan may have helped us get to second base. It was confusing and loud, slow and then fast, and there was a lot of flopping and beautiful hair. It was all rather disorienting, and as quickly as it started, soccer abruptly threw us onto the street with nothing more than a severe case of Ghana-rhea. Speaking on behalf of all soccer-agnostic American rubes, FIFA needs to do at least four things to increase my enjoyment of the game (note: all of this has been said before. None of these ideas are original. I just needed to get this off my chest): 1) Increase the number of shots on net. I have no idea how to make this happen, but the number of scoring chances NEEDS to increase. I love hockey, but I even I hate the Jacque Lemaire neutral-zone trap. It's boring. 2) Strictly penalize diving. Take the offender behind the barn and shoot him. I don't care. Soccer has way too much of everything I hate about hockey, especially diving. 3) Allow the players to use their hands, permit open-field tackling, and make the ball oblong. 4) Embrace technology. Goals are too few and far between to be negated by blind goofballs from countries nobody . The technology exists to efficiently review goals and offsides, so use it. Like I said, none of my ideas are new, but FIFA's resistance to change is limiting American expansion of their sport. *I stopped drinking early just so that I could drive the Cliff Lee bandwagon. I am the sobercab. I checked the tires, belts, plugs, and wires. It's ready to go. Let's get Wilson Ramos healthy so we can do this. *Considering Justin Bieber's popularity with preteen girls, I believe tonight's concert is nothing more than an elaborate scheme to coax Ricky Rubio into Target Center. *Outstate Bar and Country & Western Song of the Week: Little Angie's Cantina & Grill, Duluth, MN. Located right on the harbor, they serve a huge margarita that contains approximately 7 shots of tequila. After several of these drinks, I told that bartender that I was "about to disgorge, 26,000 tons more, than the Edmund Fitzgerald weighed empty." Like you, she did not laugh. They have a beautiful outdoor patio that is particularly enjoyable on a summer evening when the cool breezes are blowing across the lake. You should go. *The Onion recently teased both Joe Mauer and Adrian Peterson.

*The injury to Joel Zumaya during Monday night's game made me sick to my stomach. I have walked off the field in the same way. After multiple knee and shoulder injuries, I retired from town team baseball in 2001. Embarrassingly, I put myself out to pasture to play bar league hockey and slowpitch softball. Last month, after innocently throwing a {redacted} softball 60 {redacted} feet, I dislocated my shoulder again. Tomorrow morning I will undergo surgery to repair the torn labrum (as expected, all of my friends, and my wife, hilariously claim that I actually have a torn {medical term for a similarly-named part of the female anatomy}) in my shoulder. I will be completely anesthetized, and my biggest fear is that I will wake up with my underwear on backwards. I have grown tired of the knee braces and arm slings, so I am announcing my retirement from all competitive sports. I am done. I am placing all of my unfulfilled athletic hopes on the stocky, 2-year old shoulders of my only son. Go get 'em Charlie. Daddy only yells because he loves you. And because he is drunk. Plyos start at 6 a.m. Your thoughts on FIFA, Cliff Lee, old Canadians, young Canadians, the Onion, and Joel Zumaya are welcome in the comments below.