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Commenter Clarence Swamptown will delight you with his borderline inappropriate takes on just about anything in life. He's been doing this for almost exactly a year now, and we have to think almost everyone agrees his weekly segment has been a great addition to this blog. As always, his thoughts on sports and life in general do not necessarily reflect those of RandBall or the Star Tribune. Clarence? ------------------

*Outstate Diner of the Week: Mr. Ed's, Motley, Minnesota. What are they famous for? This family-owned restaurant is a Highway 10 staple. Also, Staples-Motley is one of many consolidated high school names that are terrific to hear during outstate radio school closings when the announcer has a heavy Minnesotan accent. Others include Kenyon-Wannamingo, Ada-Borup, and "Dassel-Coohkaytooh, two hoors late. Nooh mooohrning kindergarten, public or paroohchial." What are the waitresses like? Awesome. Their customer service is the main reason why I love the place. The two main waitresses have worked there forever. They're also sisters and you can easily hear them bickering in the kitchen, but then they bust through the swinging doors with your food and a smile. How's the food? You'll occasionally see an Appert's truck backed up to the service door, but apart from the appetizers, most of the food is handmade from scratch. The Northstar rail line should be extended to Mr. Ed's for their mashed potatoes alone. Do they have a website? No. *Outstate Bar of the Week: Becida Bar & Grill, Becida, Minnesota. What is the bar famous for? Located at the intersection of Hubbard County Roads 3 and 9, the Becida Bar & Grill and the town hall are only buildings in town. Here is a Google Maps street view of the intersection. If you somehow find yourself in Becida, there is no conscionable way you are in a hurry, so you have time to visit the bar for a few bumps and some mini tacos. Can I watch the game there? Yes. It is a fairly decent sized building for a bar in the middle of nowhere. There are plenty of televisions and lots of seating. I've only been there to drink, but apparently they specialize in Prime Rib. Like most restaurants, they offer your choice of "Queen" or "King" Cut. To date, no man in history has ever ordered a Queen-Cut Prime Rib. I am not sure why restaurants even offer it. If you do order the Queen-Cut, I imagine the FBI immediately downloads you into some sort of Federal Wuss Database like Morgan Freeman talks about in Se7en. Can I watch the NASCAR race there? Certainly. There is a Matt Kenseth poster on the west wall. Matt is a Wisconsin native, and is therefore a favorite of many Upper Midwest NASCAR fans. There is a poster of Jimmie Johnson on the opposite wall. The poster and the actual Jimmie Johnson have roughly the same amount of personality. Do they have a website? No. What bar games are available? The entire east wing is dedicated to bar games, with 2 pool tables and a handful of video games. There are a number of dart boards scattered throughout the bar. Can you quickly think of a stupid childish slogan for the bar that no one will enjoy? Sure. You'll be Becida-yourself if you don't stop at the Becida Bar & Grill. *Country & Western Song of the Week: Addicted by Dan Seals & Cheryl Wheeler. I have been kicked in the face by a cow. I watched my grandmother extinguish a box full of burning newborn kittens with a section of old chain link fence. Worst of all, I witnessed Gary Anderson Wide Right and 12-men in the Huddle. None of these horrible things ever made me cry. But when I hear this song it starts to get a little dusty in here and I am immediately downloaded into the Federal Wuss Database. BONUS TRACK: To lighten up the mood, here is Lord I Hope This Day is Good by Don Williams, possibly the most underrated artist in classic country history. Watch the video for the mandolin player alone. I was pretty young, but this is exactly how I remember 1982. Everyone wore beards and cowboy boots and matching denim from head to toe. This is what Canada looks like right now. * Tomorrow is the 1-year anniversary of Clearance Clarence, and I would like to thank Mr. Randball for generously donating this weekly space. Your thoughts on consolidation, prime rib, and my 1-year anniversary gifts are welcome in the comments below.