Dear Amy: My son and daughter-in-law are expecting their first baby.
The plans for a baby shower had been in the works for months, with an outside venue, food, desserts, etc. Everything was paid in advance by myself and my daughter-in-law's mother, "Bertie."
The day before the baby shower, Bertie felt ill. Later that day, she tested positive for COVID-19.
Bertie and my daughter-in-law wanted to reschedule the shower, and from the text messages we exchanged, it was obvious that Bertie laid on a heavy guilt trip, saying, "Sandra doesn't want to be there without her Mom, Dad and Grandma." (Grandma also came down with COVID.)
After much thought, we decided to carry on and have the shower. My son and daughter-in-law boycotted it. The excuse was "they felt they weren't welcome."
I later told my son this was a cop-out. We offered to FaceTime with them. I even called to see if they wanted to come after everyone left to see their gifts on display.
The shower was filled with our side of family and friends, including grandparents and some people who traveled from out of town. Only three people from her side showed up, so it was obvious that some phone calls were made to cancel on that end.
When we dropped the gifts off at their home later that evening, my daughter-in-law didn't even acknowledge us. I feel very disrespected and hurt. Up until now, our relationship has been great. Were we wrong?
Amy says: Yes, you were wrong. When this started unfolding, you should have asked your son and daughter-in-law, "What would you like us to do?" And then you should have done that.
Yes, postponing the shower would have caused you a headache as you scrambled to get in touch with your out-of-town guests. And it might have cost you some money in rescheduling fees. But you should have done so for the sake of these young parents.
The pandemic has caused everyone to rethink, replan, retool, postpone and occasionally cancel events drawing large groups. It would have been wisest to draw up a contingency plan. Instead of that, you should draw up an apology.
Cheater's dilemma
Dear Amy: I have been cheating on my partner, "Q." I don't think I can be with just one person, especially because Q doesn't offer me the best sex I have ever had.
When Q found out, they said they had known about my cheating for a while but didn't want to break up over it. Q said it does hurt a lot, sometimes. But Q also said that my cheating is kind of a turn-on.
Q wants us to transition to radical honesty, where I describe what it was like being with someone else. Q believes this will be sexually gratifying.
I am tempted to do this, because then we can avoid breaking up and I'll be able to continue to sleep with others.
I'm uncertain about whether this could possibly work, though. Maybe a part of me enjoys the thrill of cheating, and sanctioning the cheating takes that away. What do you think we should do?
Amy says: Based on your description, you and your partner seem to be sexually mismatched. Q wants you to report about your cheating experiences in the belief that it will enhance Q's experience, but you believe that deception is important to your own sexual experience.
I assume you and your partner also have an emotional connection, and so I suggest that maybe you should focus on that for a while to see if there are shared qualities that connect you aside from your sexual gamesmanship.
Send questions to Amy Dickinson at askamy@amydickinson.com.
