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A lot of mock drafts deal with the on-field needs of NFL teams.
Not enough deal with emotional needs.
Here's my Don't You Dare Mock Them Draft, addressing the bruised egos of teams making the first 12 picks, including your emotionally impoverished Vikings:
1. Jacksonville: The Jaguars know they stink. We know they stink. They know that we know that they stink, and they know better than we do that they live in a lousy city that is better than Minneapolis only in that it occasionally enjoys temperatures above 45 and that is why I bought a house there yesterday.
The only thing the Jags have done right lately, other than produce a character for "The Good Place," is fire Urban Meyer, the worst person ever to be an NFL head coach except for a lot of the others.
The Jaguars should draft Meyer so they can fire him again. Stick with what you're good at, and if you are the Jags, this is pretty much it.
Or they could draft Blake Bortles again. "Blake Bortles" has a nice, no-pressure, Stuart Smalley, "You're good enough no matter how many games you lose" ring to it.
2. Detroit: The Lions should trade down. And keep trading down. Until all of their picks are in the 12th round, which no longer exists. This will lessen the emotional sting of failing to draft a player who is good at football.
3. Houston: The Texans should draft a nice journal. Journaling might help. First sentence they should write: "A smile is a frown turned upside down and remember not to draft a quarterback who might be a psychopath."
4. New York Jets: Draft the back page of the New York Post. It's the only way this franchise will ever get a positive headline. The paper that once touted a story about a headless body in a topless bar is not otherwise going to play nice with a franchise whose fans know that slowly spelling a four-letter word is their greatest recent achievement.
5. New York Giants: Draft the New York Times. The Times no longer covers New York teams on a daily basis, although it does occasionally write fascinating features on Equestrian Biathlon and Mixed Martial Curling. If you are the Giants, you love newspapers that no longer care about local teams.
6. Carolina: More teal. The Panthers should paint the entire city teal. Teal is very soothing when football hurts your feelings.
7. New York Giants: A life coach. The Giants need someone to assure them that they are making two selections in the first seven picks because that's what good teams always do, and you are a good team, yes you are, no matter what the New York Post says.
8. Atlanta: A weather app that provides smug alerts, for anyone in the organization coming within earshot of Patriots fans screaming "28-3!"
9. Seattle: A quarterback to replace the great Russell Wilson. But not just any quarterback. Not someone soul-deflating like Drew Lock or Geno Smith. That would be tragic.
10. New York Jets: Four of the top 10 picks will be taken by New York teams? Maybe the Jets and Giants can co-own the Post, which once wrote a headline congratulating the U.S. men's soccer team, after a World Cup, for winning "1-1." That's the kind of participation-trophy energy these teams need.
11. Washington: Joe Gibbs. Not because he was the best coach this franchise ever had, but because he owns race cars and criminally smarmy Washington owner Daniel Snyder should be driven at high speed into the sea.
12. Minnesota: Remember the movie "Men In Black"? The Vikings could use a Neuralyzer, the device that makes you forget everything, even the 12th man in the huddle, the missed kicks, playoff losses, Super Bowls, Hank Stram's voice, Darrin Nelson's drop, The Dirty Bird in The Dome, Herschel Stinking Walker, Roger Headrick's coaching shorts and Kirk Cousins' W-2.
The Vikings could rename their Neuralyzer the "Erasmeraser," in honor of former first-round pick Erasmus James, the promising defensive end who will always remember his Vikings' tackle.
It's settled. The Vikings get an Erasmeraser.
Or a cornerback.
A cornerback would be nice.
