Dear Amy: I have a 17-year-old daughter who identifies as a male. I am OK with this.
I attend a traditional Methodist church. I am involved in a lot of church events, but my child is not.
I am not sure how the church is going to react to my child's transition. I had one guy from the church already make a comment about my teen wearing a tux to the prom. I told people that she doesn't do dresses, which is true.
My question is: How do I support my daughter/son and also hold onto my church?
Amy says: If your child identifies as a male, then he is not a daughter/son — but a son. This gender transition also is a transition for you, and you should continue along this path by using your child's preferred pronoun.
Regarding your church, this may seem like a complex doctrinal or cultural issue, but it's not. You have one child. There are other churches.
I suggest that you take some time to get comfortable with your child's gender transition, and then share this knowledge with friends, family and fellow congregants over time. You don't need to make a big announcement, but acknowledge the truth the way you would other aspects of your child's life to people who are interested. (The "tux" comment was one opportunity for you to say, "The reason my teen didn't wear a gown to the prom is because they identify as male.")
People might let you down, but, please, do not let your faith fail you. If people at church respond unkindly, you can assure them that you will pray for them to open their hearts. Then, you should look for another place to worship.
Pflag.org offers great resources and advice for parents of transgender people.
A second victim
Dear Amy: You offered advice to a woman who was traumatized when a suicidal man deliberately ran into the path of her car. You pointed out similarities between her experience and that of train personnel who are involved in these tragic incidents.
I am a locomotive engineer. I had a 20-year-old boy jump in front of my train. The rational side of my brain knows it wasn't my fault, but there is no escaping the emotional shock. It kept replaying over and over in my head for quite some time.
It does get better over time. The letter writer can rest assured that after a long while, the emotional damage will fade.
Amy says: I hope that you — and anyone traumatized by an event like this — will seek therapeutic help to recover from the symptoms of the trauma. Time does help to heal wounds. But treatment plus time is even better.
A body of recent research into the lingering effects of trauma has led to some new treatments that survivors like you could find helpful and healing.
Send questions to Amy Dickinson at askamy@amydickinson.com.
