Dear Amy: A little over a year ago, working with my mother's doctor, I decided it was in her best interest (she has dementia) to move into assisted living.
Because we thought there might be a chance she would be able to return to her home, my spouse and I were able to maintain her unoccupied house. But a few months ago, it became apparent that mom would be staying in assisted living, and so we decided to sell the house to fund her care.
The house sold very quickly for a very good price to a nice family. They intend to update and renovate the property. Happy ending, right?
Not exactly. We have three elderly relatives in my mother's old neighborhood who seem compelled to report every contractor vehicle, every adjustment to the landscaping, etc.
How do I tell those sweet, elderly relatives that I no longer am interested in detailed reports about the house? I cringe every time I see their name on a text or caller ID. I want to spend the rest of their days enjoying their calls, texts and visits, instead of dreading them. Any advice?
Amy says: I think it's important for you to decode the intention behind these calls. These relatives likely believed they were performing an important function by keeping an eye on the house. They may need time and some gentle reminders in order to adjust away from this habitual reporting.
They may also, on some level, be using this intel as a reason/excuse to get in touch with you.
I suggest that you tell each relative a version of: "I appreciate that you have been watching the house for us. But because we have sold it, it now belongs to the nice family who bought it. I think it's great that they are going to make this house their own. I'm happy to tell you that you don't need to let me know what they're doing."
And then you should ask them, "Can you do me a favor and not tell me about the house? Instead, I'd like to hear about how you're doing."
Bogus party
Dear Amy: This week I received an invitation to a "pre-wedding celebration" for a woman I have never met. It looks like a bridal shower invite, but I don't quite know.
My husband finally figured out that this woman is one of his co-worker's fiancé. Evidently we are going to be invited to their wedding but have not received that invitation. Furthermore, it is unlikely that we would attend.
Am I obligated to attend this celebration? If I don't attend, should I send a gift? (The registry was listed on the invitation.)
Amy says: I have chastised people for accusing marrying couples of inviting people to their various celebrations as a "gift grab," but I have to admit that this sure seems like one.
You are not obligated to attend a party held for a total stranger and attended by other strangers. You are not obligated to give a gift to this person. The polite thing to do is to give a quick RSVP and hold onto your wallet.
Taking flight
Dear Amy: I'm writing about the mother who wanted to make a big deal of her kids' (ages 3 and 1) first airplane flight. You agreed with her husband that she was overdoing it. If Mom isn't a frequent flyer, I'm guessing her youngsters' first flight would be an important milestone for her and them.
Amy says: As someone who flies a lot (with and without children), I assure you that this particular milestone is wasted on kids that young.
Send questions to Amy Dickinson at askamy@amydickinson.com.
