James Lileks
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Given the madness that has gripped Nabisco, the only flavor of Oreo I don’t expect them to make is Hydrox.

Perhaps you saw Cherry Cola Oreos on the shelves, and wondered if they were any good. They were not, although they answered the question of what mud would taste like if you added some pop and let it dry.

They have a special Fourth of July edition out now, with little crackly bits that fizz in your mouth. This is great news for everyone who disassembles their Oreo and replaces the cream with an Alka-Seltzer. But for those who don’t associate “mouth full of panicked gnats” with cookies, it’s a hard sell.

Now a new seasonal delight: State Fair Oreos.

They’re deep-fried. Or rather, they’re intended to taste as though they are deep-fried. (It says COOKIE on the package, in case you thought they were hockey pucks or urinal cakes.) They have a crunchy vanilla or chocolate carapace, and apparently one bite will make you think “I can’t believe I didn’t pay $5 for this after standing in line for 15 minutes.”

You’re probably thinking: “That was nice of Oreo to make a special cookie for our State Fair.”

No. It’s intended for all state fairs. Which brings up something we prefer not to think about. Namely, there are other state fairs.

Where they deep-fry things.

And even put them on sticks.

These other state fairs, they think they’re better. And while we don’t want to be rude and point out their obviously preposterous assertions, we know they would shrink in shame if they came to our state fair.

So, let’s just say that Oreo was unaware there’s really only one state fair, and neglected to put MINNESOTA on the box. No doubt they’re hard at work on new flavors — Cabbage Surprise, Autumn Woodsmoke, or even that long-rumored Oreo-flavored Oreo — but perhaps they would like some help developing some real state fair flavors.

What about:

Swine-Barn Hand Sanitizer Flavor. A tangy, zippy cookie with a finishing note of vanilla and lanolin.

Lutheran Diner Oreos. Mild coffee flavor. Note: Previously came in packs of 6, but this year there’s just one.

Grandstand Flavor: An incredible blend of fudge, candle wax and fresh-chopped salsa that’ll leave you saying, “Who buys a piano at the fair?”

No, those won’t do well. Perhaps Nabisco is right in going for the deep-fried-flavored Oreo.

Just biting into one will make you think of the one, the only Minnesota State Fair. You can wash it down with a cherry Coke. Or another Oreo, made to taste just like it.

james.lileks@startribune.com