There was a wacky radio show that operated on Monday nights in the Twin Cities during the 1980s. We will avoid specifics, but there was one staple of the show on the 15 rules required to mimic a column written by a legendary local sports columnist.
Among the most-important rules was this: "Follow the Law of Diminishing Goals.''
We have seen a vivid example of this with the 2015 Gophers football team, in the wake of Saturday's 48-25 demolishment against Nebraska.
The Gophers were coming off a 5-3 conference finish and a visit to the Citrus Bowl, a New Year's game roughly two tiers above the fourth-tier bowls that had become routine for our gridiron machine.
Wisconsin was the Big Ten West winner at 7-1 in 2014. By all assessments, things were going to be much more difficult for the 2015 Badgers, with the loss of phenomenal tailback Melvin Gordon, most of a tremendous offensive line and some key defenders.
There was also a new coach arriving, with Paul Chryst replacing Gary Andersen, who resigned to go to Oregon State. Apparently, Andersen was upset that Wisconsin's admissions standards prevented him from getting a proper number of talented dummies into school.
The Oregon State opening occurred when Nebraska fired Bo Pelini and replaced him with Mike Riley, a surprising choice for the Huksers because of his age (now 62) and mediocre record in a second stint at OSU.
The flaws on Pelini's record in the view of Nebraskans included back-to-back losses to Jerry Kill's Gophers, including an embarrassment in Lincoln last fall.
The loss of difference-makers at Wisconsin and the slow decline of talent at Nebraska caused analysts to scramble when naming favorites in the West, the junior varsity division of the Big Ten.
This became a popular forecast: 1-Wisconsin. 2-Minnesota. 3-Nebraska. 4-Iowa. 5-Northwestern. 6-Illinois. 7-Purdue.
The advantage for Wisconsin was that it would be playing Rutgers and Maryland in crossover games vs. the East, the varsity division, and the Gophers would be playing mighty Ohio State and rebuilding Michigan.
The advantage for the Gophers would be playing Wisconsin at home on the last Saturday of the season. If the Gophers could go in at 5-2, and the Badgers were 6-1, and throw in the incentive of ending an 11-year losing streak to Wisconsin … well, that game would have students-storm-the-field potential for Kill's outfit.
So, that was the goal: beat the Badgers, win the West.
It was always a good idea to keep an eye on Nebraska, of course, since maybe it wasn't the talent but rather the wacky coaching of Pelini that was causing the Huskers' vulnerability.
Here's what we did know about the West: Kill had a program on the rise at Minnesota, and Kirk Ferentz had a tired program at Iowa, as demonstrated by the Gophers' 51-14 humiliation of the Hawkeyes last November in Minneapolis.
We also knew Northwestern, after its gigantic flop in 2014, was thin on manpower and ready to re-assume bottom feeder status with reeling Illinois and woeful Purdue.
Yup. This was Kill's fifth year, his defense was the best in the West, and the chance to be in Indianapolis for the Big Ten championship game was much more legitimate than when the Gophers went to Madison to face Gordon and Co. at the end of the 2014 season.
And now the Gophers have been humiliated 27-0 by Northwestern, bashed Purdue, and then had the defensive meltdown against Nebraska on Saturday.
That puts the Gophers at 4-3 overall and 1-2 in the conference, with a home game against Michigan, and road games at Ohio State and at Iowa. The season then will conclude with home games vs. Illinois and Wisconsin.
And now what is the storyline?
If only the Gophers can figure out a way to two games and become bowl eligible, to get to 6-6 and join 75-80 percent of Power Five teams in reaching a bowl game, any forsaken, ridiculous bowl game, then Kill's fifth season will be a success … another building block.
Of course there's also this: Kill's team has had so many injuries (have you heard that Country Jer has never seen anything like it in three decades of coaching?), so if the Gophers only can get bowl eligible, it will be evidence of outstanding coaching and tremendous perseverance.
Of course there's also this: Iowa was coming off a lousy season and was ravaged by injuries, and on Saturday, it went to Evanston, Ill. with backups everywhere and manhandled Northwestern 40-10. That put the Hawkeyes at 3-0 in the West and 7-0 overall.
A year ago, the Gophers beat Iowa by 37 points and now it's being looked at as a challenge too tough for Kill's unlucky, injured collection to handle.
Kill had a contender and now going to Zaxby's Heart of Dallas Bowl would be a success?
That would be an all-timer for following the Law of Diminishing Goals.
