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FORT MYERS, FLA. – After his first workout with the Twins as a guest instructor, LaTroy Hawkins walked into the clubhouse looking shaken.
"I just watched the guys throwing in the bullpen," he said. "I heard the ball hitting the mitt and I got the jitters. I don't want to be disrespectful of anyone with an addiction, but I felt like an alcoholic drinking water in his favorite bar while all his friends were around him, drinking his favorite drink."
Hawkins left the Twins as a free agent in 2003. Last fall, 12 years and 10 teams later, he retired.
In his first professional act as a former ballplayer, he signed on to work in Twins camp this spring as a special instructor.
He dug through his old equipment bags, found an "Everyday Eddie" T-shirt and wore it in the Twins clubhouse.
Eddie is Eddie Guardado, his old friend who is now the Twins bullpen coach. Guardado, General Manager Terry Ryan, former manager Tom Kelly and former teammate Torii Hunter are here as reminders of how far Hawkins had to go to get to go so far in the game.
The Twins chose Hawkins in the seventh round of the 1991 draft. At the end of the 2001 season, Hawkins had pitched in seven big league seasons and compiled a 5.78 ERA. He remembers sitting in Kelly's office.
"TK would tell me he believed in me, that if I kept working I was going to make it," Hawkins said. "He'd say keep the faith. But there was always that moment before I walked out of his office where he said, 'But if you stop working, your [posterior] is out of here.' "
Hawkins credits Kelly for sticking with him, pitching coach Rick Anderson for guiding him as Hawkins became a dominant setup man, for being his mentor and Ryan for being a father figure and sounding board.
When Hawkins asked Ryan what he should do after retirement, Ryan told him to spend time with his family and weigh his options instead of diving into full-time work. "He told me he didn't want me to wind up getting a divorce," Hawkins said with a smile. "And he told me he didn't want to be responsible for me getting a divorce."
Somehow, Hawkins' relationship with the Twins remained strong in absentia. He and his family often vacation with the Guardados and other former teammates. He lives near Hunter in Texas. And he has become so close with the core members of the LaTroy Hawkins Fan Club that he spends hours with them away from the ballpark — once even acting as best man in a wedding.
"They're not just fans," Hawkins said. "They're not even just friends. They're family. They have followed me everywhere I have gone. It doesn't matter what town or what league or if I call them a month ahead to tell them I'm going to be a guest instructor at Twins camp — they're there."
They could be following his career as a player, still. Hawkins remains in excellent shape and could probably throw a fastball in the mid-90s. He could have found a job, could have pitched in a 22nd season. He ranks 10th on the all-time list of games by a pitcher, with 1,042. With one more strong season he could have moved into the top five, between Mariano Rivera and Dennis Eckersley.
"I wanted to make that tough decision," he said. "I didn't want somebody else to make that tough decision for me."
Last year Hawkins had a rare chance to attend Easter Sunday Mass in his hometown of Gary, Ind. The pastor told him that the best time to retire was when he was still wanted, because when "they want you to retire it's already too late."
"Guys who don't walk away on their own terms, they're upset, bitter, mad at the game, mad at people they think did them wrong during their careers," Hawkins said. "I wanted to ride off into the sunset, like my boy Jared Allen.
"I know one thing: Baseball gave way more to me than I could ever give to baseball."
Jim Souhan's podcast can be heard at MalePatternPodcasts.com. On
Twitter: @SouhanStrib. • jsouhan@startribune.com
