Dear Amy: I grew up in the same town as "Carly," the woman I later married. Her older sister "Susan" and I were in the same class in high school. It was a small school. Susan and I were friendly, but I wouldn't say we were exactly friends.
After college, I returned to my hometown when my father got sick and needed help in his business. Carly and I fell in love.
Carly and I have a great marriage with two young children. We are all close with Susan.
Recently Susan pulled me aside and said she wanted to talk to me alone. She told me that she has had feelings for me ever since high school. She said she knew she could never act on those feelings, but that she wanted to be honest about it, and that's why she told me.
I was completely stunned. She urged me not to tell my wife about this, and I agreed. Now I'm not feeling good about that. I don't feel comfortable with the whole situation, and I'm not sure what to do.
Amy says: If you want to stay in a loving relationship with your wife, you need to tell her about this episode. Her sister has broken all sorts of norms and violated some pretty basic boundaries, but the one you should be most concerned about is her insistence that you keep this a secret from your wife.
Intimacy involves telling the truth and being brave enough to be honest about a situation that might wound the relationship between your wife and her sister. Holding this bombshell as a secret creates a bond with Susan and distance from your wife.
I believe that the entire clan can recover from this and move forward (eventually), but this depends on the temperaments of the principal parties.
Your honesty about this will kickstart some awkwardness, but you should refuse to be a party to any subsequent drama. Move through this with complete transparency, and with your wife by your side.
Parking wars
Dear Amy: We live on a street with on-street parking, as well as private driveways. We have lived here for more than 10 years and basically park peacefully wherever we want to, including using the available on-street parking. We all do that.
We just got new neighbors who believe they have exlusive use of the two spaces in front of their house. They have posted notices on Facebook and NextDoor, including photos of our cars.
I don't want to be a bad neighbor, but this is really nervy, in my opinion, and I'm not sure how to react.
Amy says: In my opinion, your neighbors are the ones who should worry about being a bad neighbor. They are nervy and entitled, and perhaps you should let them know how you feel about these directives by parking wherever you want to park — as long as it is legal.
Do your homework
Dear Amy: I wanted to address a recent question about polyamory. When it is done right, polyamorous relationships can be very healthy and loving. They require lots of trust, communication and compromise, which all healthy relationships need. Yes, polyamorous relationships can end badly, but so can monogamous ones.
A lot of couples run into issues when they open a relationship as an attempt to fix underlying issues, or when one partner feels coerced into it. The best advice I've heard on polyamory is to do your research, set boundaries that both partners are comfortable with and feel good about, and check in with each other frequently.
Amy says: Thank you.
Send questions to Amy Dickinson at askamy@amydickinson.com.
