Dear Amy: I just got out of a nine-year relationship with a man I'm just now realizing was manipulative and mean. Unfortunately, he developed a drinking problem during our time together.
He broke things off twice (against my wishes), and I was the one who had to move out and lose my home, my dog, etc.
After being apart this time, I started to see things I had ignored before because I loved him so much. He is emotionally abusive at times as we try to separate our items and as I try to purchase the house from him. He has said things like, "If you don't drop this, I will take everything, and you'll get nothing." Or throwing it in my face that he's glad we never got married.
I started therapy and have been going now for two years. During that time, my therapist has tried to guide me toward what's healthy, but I think she knew I wasn't ready to hear it. I was so in love.
I know now that breaking up is a blessing in disguise, but I'm struggling with his behavior because I loved this man for nine years, unconditionally.
How do I handle his behavior while we figure things out? And how could I have loved a man who treated me this way?
Amy says: Like the old song says, "breaking up is hard to do," even when you know in your bones that it is the right thing to do.
Immediately post-breakup, your thoughts are still anchored to your ex, because being with him for nine years has conditioned you to automatically consider his thoughts and feelings before your own. That's why your relationship was so imbalanced, and why he has disrespected you. Your unspoken pact was that he mattered more than you do.
That impulse on your part is why it is important for you to learn to differentiate between his needs, and your own.
You should now work hard to stop "handling" him at all.
If you are splitting up your household, think of these encounters as negotiations, not emotional relationship encounters. When your encounters and negotiations veer into name-calling or emotional manipulation, steer it back to the bloodless practicality of who gets the bookshelf. In terms of the future: When you know better, you do better. And now you know better.
Higher power not always God
Dear Amy: I was disappointed by your response when you described 12-step groups as "God-focused."
Twelve-step groups suggest finding and relying on a power greater than yourself, of your own understanding; it doesn't have to have anything to do with "God."
A higher power can be anything from nature to a doorknob to the more traditional religious deities. Whatever works!
Amy says: I believe that 12-step programs work, which is why I recommend them. However, Debtors Anonymous, the 12-step program I recommended, mentions "God" specifically multiple times, which is why I mentioned it.
Send questions to Amy Dickinson at askamy@amydickinson.com.
