Do you remember the story about Galileo dropping a feather and a hammer from the top of the Tower of Pisa and discovering they both fell at the same rate, regardless of mass? Well, "Uncharted" doesn't.
Numerous laws of nature are broken in the caper. Tom Holland and Mark Wahlberg are con artists in pursuit of sunken treasure, a cache of gold that vanished along with ships Ferdinand Magellan was trying to sail around the world four centuries ago. (The feather/hammer sequence happens when a bunch of objects and people fall out of an airplane full of goons.)
"Uncharted," produced by PlayStation, is based on a video game and feels like it. There's not much of a plot. It just has a bunch of action sequences that barely connect, and puzzles that unlock other puzzles.
That's not entirely a bad thing. Some of the sequences are entertaining, including the one on the plane and another when a couple of helicopters try to fly the ships out of a cove in the Philippines.
Holland is as likable as a guy who steals from strangers can be but the MVP is Antonio Banderas as the sort of ruthless industrialist who's almost always the bad guy in these kinds of movies. Banderas' unorthodox line delivery — he seems to be deliberately accenting the weirdest syllables in every word — and his bursts of manic temper are so entertaining that, not for the first time in an action movie, I found myself wishing the bad guy had as much to do as the good guy.
Unfortunately, like an album with three decent singles and a bunch of fillers, a few good sequences do not a movie make. There's a disjointed quality to "Uncharted," which never achieves the "Treasure of the Sierra Madre"-style, larky adventure tone. That's because the script is witless and because Wahlberg lacks the gravitas for his grizzled veteran role. His crow's feet may say "mentor" but his thin voice and callow demeanor don't get the job done.
I am honestly bummed that I didn't like "Uncharted" more. It's the sort of big movie I hope Hollywood will keep making and it tries to pull off the escapist storytelling that suits the movies more than any other medium. But in translating "Uncharted" from console to multiplex, most of the things that make a movie a movie have been left out.
Long story short: If you love the game and would like to keep it going in a big room with Junior Mints and a 96-ounce Coke, "Uncharted" might work for you. But if you want an actual movie, you're out of luck.
'Uncharted'
** out of 4 stars
Rated: PG-13 for language and oddly bloodless violence.
Where: In area theaters.
