In his half-century as a Lutheran minister, the Rev. Richard Hane officiated at hundreds of Minnesota funerals.
"He spent time with the families so he could make them personal. He put a lot into the services," recalled his widow, Judy. "Baptisms, weddings, funerals — he knew how important those rituals are."
When "Pastor Dick" died at 79 last November, his family planned to stage his funeral in spring, his favorite season. They scheduled an April celebration of life at Salem Lutheran in Hermantown, where he had last served. They expected the funeral committee to pull out all the stops for a post-service luncheon featuring ham buns, dessert bars and strong coffee for all comers.
But the pandemic put the family's plans on pause.
"Nothing is normal right now, but it was hanging over us that we hadn't done anything," said Hane's daughter, Jennifer Grant of Wyoming, Minn. "We all needed that closure."
So at an improvised August service, Judy, Jennifer and her two brothers set up photo boards and a table with an urn holding the pastor's ashes in the driveway of the church.
Wearing masks, they greeted friends and congregants who drove past, calling out their condolences. The grandchildren handed each visitor a chocolate malt, then the mourners pulled into the parking lot and tuned their radios to a drive-in service of eulogies, prayers and songs while sipping the pastor's favorite frozen treat.
"We had to get creative and giving out malts was a personal touch," Judy Hane said. "We thought we were just making do, but it turned into a way to be together."
Funerals are in flux because of COVID-19, but so is the time-honored Minnesota tradition of a hearty meal after a service. While Zoom can bring a community together to pay their respects virtually, there's no way to break bread online.
The absence of a meal as part of the grieving process is sorely missed by many.
"We have some families delaying funerals because they are adamant about a luncheon," said Tony Del Percio, director of the Grief Resource Center at Bradshaw Funeral & Cremation Services. "They hold off because they want a meal for the social gathering. It's food for the soul."
From meals to malts
Before the pandemic, the six Bradshaw facilities in the metro area offered families banquet space, with room for up to 100 guests.
"Right now we can't have food or beverages in the funeral home community rooms," Del Percio said. "We can't do distanced seatings."
But a communal meal offers a chance to "share and talk about the loved one," he said. "Without that time together, we lose the reminiscing. Survivors need to see how the deceased made a difference."
Jayne Kenney agrees. In the 19 years she's run her funeral-focused catering business, she's served buffet meals in church basements, banquet halls, condo party rooms and VFW halls. She's become adept at setting up chafing dishes with pulled pork and stuffed pasta, while keeping an eye on her crew as they refreshed salads and set out trays of fruit kebabs and desserts.
"Most of these were what I call 'Come one, come all' events. The family invites everyone at the service to eat, but you never knew how many people would show up," she said. "I always brought extra because I was nervous about that. It's an honor when people take time out of their busy schedules to be there and you don't want to run out of food for them."
But when the state locked down in March, Kenney's previously busy schedule emptied. Since then she's catered only five funeral events, providing boxed lunches with cold sandwiches, fruit cups and caramel brownies for a group that typically numbers a dozen.
"I can't bellyache about not having business when I see how hard this is for families who can't do what they want for their loved ones," she said.
But she misses the post-service camaraderie and knows that mourners do, too.
"There's always so much laughter; it's wonderful to see. Everyone is ready to lighten up when they have the meal. Old neighbors or co-workers or family members who haven't seen each other for years sit down and catch up," she said.
"The family sees how their loved one brought those folks together and that helps them. I never realized how important that is until now, when we can't do it."
For now, it looks like most families that go ahead with services will do so without the benefit of a communal meal.
"We can't do the meals and the hugs and handshakes and we don't know when that will change," said Del Percio. "They need to still find a way to do their grief work to move forward."
That's exactly what Dick Hane's family did, offering malts in paper cups instead of a sit-down meal.
"I didn't give him the funeral I originally wanted him to have, but none of us will ever forget this unique event," said Judy Hane. "Eating malts at 11 in the morning! Dessert first. He would have loved it."
Kevyn Burger is a Minneapolis based freelance broadcaster and writer.
