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As the Vikings season begins ... hold on, this is not a sports column. Don't worry. I am not here to predict or pick or boost or deride. I am here to address the matter of jerky spoilers.
Let me back up 42 years, if I may. I have proof we live in an age of greater jerkiness. I don't mean the things move in a hectic, disconnected, uncoordinated state, although they do. I mean there are more jerks. The quantity of jerkiosity exceeds demand.
When "The Empire Strikes Back" premiered at the old Southtown theater, we saw it on the first day. But the second show. Do you know how many people streamed out of the first showing and said, "Hey, Darth Vader is Luke's Dad"? None. No one spoiled the surprise. Why? Because a certain sense of decency prevailed in the land, that's why.
Then again, I was wearing earplugs in case anyone blurted out a spoiler on the way out, so maybe things were as bad as today. Now, you might be saying, "Thanks for the 'Star Wars' spoiler, dude." But I do think the statute of limitations ran out on that one.
What does this have to do with the Vikings, aside from the fact that "Star Wars" ended up over the years to be a crushing disappointment that still had legions of fans? The connection is that fans are prone to texting things that happen in the game, like this:
"Missed field goal seals the Vikes fate again!" It's something of an evergreen; you could tweet that out in June, and people would nod. Here's the thing: Not everyone is watching the game at the precise moment you are. Some of us record it and start late, so we can zip through the ads later.
It's not just the Vikes. My wife watches tennis. She is often unable to watch an important U.S. Open match because she is playing tennis. The portion of her life that is not playing or watching — such as driving to or from the court — she has her phone off, but sometimes she'll get a message from a tennis teammate who spoils the end of a match.
"Oh, shoot," she says, looking at her phone.
"Luke is Darth's son again?"
Here are some things you can text.
"Well that certainly was a robust competition, exemplifying skill and determination! Many fans will be happy tonight."
"A quarter is not a game, nor a game a season!"
"Hah, someone's twisting his napkin in a sports bar and muttering 'fiddlesticks.'"
"It is certainly good when our lads aren't offsides, isn't it?"
An example of what you should not text or tweet:
"Two minutes into the 2nd quarter, one asks one's self. 'Why are the Vikes different than Rome? Because Rome only got sacked four times.'"
This is where you might point out that the problem of Anguished Tweet Blurts, or ATB, can easily be solved by not looking at your phone for the duration of the game. Yes, of course. Ha ha! (Wipes away a tear of mirth.)
But seriously, here in the real world, where we stab our glass slabs repeatedly in hopes of news and amusement, bear in mind your fellow citizens who are slightly behind you. Ask yourself this: Are you wearing a suit, sitting behind a desk, looking at a camera, and is someone pointing at you as a red light goes on? No? Then you don't have to say a thing.
