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I should have a "no solicitors" sign, but one of my friends is a British lawyer, and I'd hate for him to drop by, see the sign, and stomp off angry.
I don't like door-to-door supper-interruptors. When you answer the door in the middle of making dinner, and you're trying to restrain a dog that wants to chomp the interloper, it's a bother.
A fellow came to the door the other day to ask me to contribute to public TV. I think my wife had already signed up because she liked "Mr. Selfridge" nine years ago, or something. He checked his iPad and said, "Actually, no, you've lapsed."
So ... they sent someone around to tell me? In person? Is this some kind of threat? Imagine finding two fellows at your door, one in a gray suit, the other with a thick scarf around his neck.
"Nice house you have here," says Scarf Guy. "Shame if you fell behind on your ... contributions. Isn't that right, Alistair?"
"Dreadful shame," the other fellow says.
"A guy falls behind, things might happen. He could turn on 'Masterpiece Theatre' and find all the accents have been set to unintelligible Yorkshire dialect."
"You'd be a right mardy bugger," Alistair says.
"Someone might toss a boxed set of 'Austin City Limits' through your window. If it was open, of course. Why, if a fellow fell behind, he might find someone walked off with his tote bag."
"Or even his mug," Alistair says, eyes narrowing.
"OK," I'd say, "I get it. But answer me this: If, as they say, the shows are made possible by people like me, and I am not contributing, then I'm not the person you think I am. Isn't this a paradox that undermines your premise? Or 'by people like me,' do you really mean people of my general height and build?"
That'll keep 'em from dropping 'round and dunning us again. But. It will be interesting if the personal touch is taken up by other TV providers. I expect a knock on my door from a Hulu rep.
"Hello, I'm Hiro from Hulu. We noticed that you no longer subscribe, and were wondering why. Have you explored our offerings recently? We have a new comedy about. ... "
"I have no shortage of things that produce amusement. But do you have a cop drama wherein a dissolute, older, divorced detective is paired with a young, ambitious detective who finds his attitudes and methods archaic, but they slowly grow a bond over six episodes?"
"Yes, but the genders are reversed!"
"Is it British?"
"No, Swedish, so everyone's depressed!"
"Sorry."
Perhaps it will get so granular that Netflix will send someone by to ask why you didn't finish a movie.
"Could you tell us what was wrong so we can adjust our productions going forward, and tailor our work to the exact specifications of impatient channel-hoppers with no attention span?"
"Sure! Glad you asked. The movie just seemed far-fetched, that's all. An egomaniacal newspaper publisher goes to North Africa in 1942 to steal a statue of a bird from the Nazis? C'mon."
"Sir, it sounds like you're combining 'Citizen Kane,' 'The Maltese Falcon' and 'Casablanca,' none of which are streaming on Netflix."
"Oh, you're right, I was watching the really good movie channel, fell asleep on the sofa and woke up every two hours. Let me think. Was it the sci-fi movie where everything was tinted blue, or the movie set in Mexico where everything was tinted yellow?"
"Uh ... it was a Mexican sci-fi movie, so it was tinted green."
"Got it. I stopped watching because I was aware that I was paying for seven other streaming services, and I might be missing something. I ended up looking at funny dog videos on my phone."
Two weeks later, a drone falls alongside as I'm walking downtown, and a disembodied voice asks why I didn't "like" any of the dog videos I watched.
I know, I know, this is paranoid nonsense. Won't happen for at least five years. But I did go to the TV station's website and contribute, so no one comes by when I'm cooking dinner.
Nice pasta dish you got going there. Shame if anything happened to it.
james.lileks@startribune.com • 612-673-7858 • Twitter: @Lileks • facebook.com/james.lileks
