Q. My wife is still very dependent on her ex. He is very handy and I am not. When something needs to be fixed around the house, she calls him for advice and he usually just comes over and fixes it. I tell her to just call a repairman and she says it's a waste of money. Her kids like him to come over, but I find the whole setup embarrassing. What's good ex-etiquette?
A. Being too familiar with the ex is a common problem in second or subsequent relationships. As a matter of fact, it's one of the most common questions I am asked.
I see this most often when exes have an amicable breakup and a sort of open-door policy has developed after years of sharing the kids. Someone remarries or finds someone new and it's difficult to change the routine, so you end up with an angry, or in your case, embarrassed new partner. Key words here? New partner.
Your partner becomes your new priority when compared with other adults. Understanding that the father or mother of your children commands a certain respect, but your partner takes precedence. This is based on respect, not control, and the boundaries of the relationship are established by mutual agreement.
Sounds like there's no mutual agreement for this particular issue, and unfortunately, your wife has heard you, but she's not agreeing with your concern.
That can make you feel diminished in importance and affect other aspects of your relationship as well. Communication breaks down, intimacy breaks down, and you have big problems all stemming from an issue that one partner sees as important, while the other doesn't.
So, taking a look at your particular issue, your wife calling her ex for advice may be warranted on occasion, but not his coming over to fix this or that if it upsets you. Therefore, since you admit you are not handy, hiring a repairman is the best option. Her concern about spending unnecessary money is understandable, but hiring a repairman is a neutral alternative and far less expensive than extended marital counseling or a divorce.
The first step is sitting down for a heart-to-heart. Don't leave finding a repairman up to her. She's calling her ex because it's the easiest thing to do. Do some research and come to the table with the name of a reputable person. Tell her you would like to keep his name on hand to fix things around the house and you will be glad to call him (or she can) anytime something needs to be fixed.
That's a clear boundary — and, that's good ex-etiquette.
Jann Blackstone is the author of "Ex-etiquette for Parents: Good Behavior After Divorce or Separation," and the founder of Bonus Families, bonusfamilies.com.
