Dear Amy: I have been with my husband for 13 years. I have always been very insecure.
It makes me paranoid when he texts other women, even if it's just friendly. I check his phone and see that he has deleted texts. This really bothers me, but he says he does it because it bothers me when he texts other women, even when there is nothing bad in the texts. That's true.
My husband is exasperated by my behavior. My insecurities are irrational. I know that.
I did stop checking for a while when I got into a good spot in my head. But recently I did it again. Why do I get this urge? How do I stop it? And how do I fix the damage I have done to my marriage?
Amy says: You and your husband are in a loop. Marriage counseling would be a great idea for both of you.
The common and often-suggested solution when there is suspicion in a relationship is for transparency.
You take full responsibility, but it seems to me that your husband definitely plays his part. You wouldn't be triggered into your unhealthy phone-checking if your husband simply shared these conversations with you: "Sharon said the funniest thing about a movie she just saw. Check it out ..."
If you are secretly checking his phone and he knows it, he should bring this communication into your relationship and hand his phone to you.
You say that you recently stopped checking his phone when you "got into a good spot," but I suggest that you might have gotten into a good spot because you had stopped checking his phone. The behavior itself triggers your insecurity.
You both can consciously alter your behavior in order to be full and trusting partners.
Hiring a friend
Dear Amy: A year ago, my best friend, "Terri" got her real estate license. She has been working very hard to build her clientele. She has succeeded in selling two homes and being the buyer's agent for three home sales.
My husband and I want to buy a home soon, and I'm conflicted on whether to hire her as our agent. She's a wonderful friend, and we've been through thick and thin together.
On the one hand, I want to do everything I can to support my friend in her new career. I think she has excellent qualities, and she would do a good job for us. I also worry that she would be hurt if we didn't choose her.
However, my husband is nervous about her lack of experience, and I worry that if we disagreed in this transaction, it would hurt our friendship.
What do you think we should do?
Amy says: The outcome here is somewhat dependent on your various temperaments. Is your friend organized and unflappable? Are you and your husband able to tolerate frustration calmly? Does Terri have good reviews from other clients?
Because she is your friend, she likely will work extremely hard to show you properties and work as your advocate during the process. So I think you should use your friend as your agent, with some caveats.
If you and your husband agree to use her, you should both be extremely candid in advance. Tell her, "We'd like to use you as our agent, but purchasing a home can be a very stressful experience, and we want to make sure that all of us get through it with the best outcome. We will be very honest with you and want to make sure that the three of us can communicate well in this business-mode, even if we're frustrated or confused."
Send questions to Amy Dickinson at askamy@amydickinson.com.
