Dear Amy: My son and daughter are now middle-aged, and my parents have been gone for more than 20 years.
I've not told my children the whole truth about my parents. It was awful growing up in a house full of alcohol, anger and abuse.
I haven't told them because I didn't want to injure their memories of their grandparents. My parents treated their grandchildren with love, as opposed to how my siblings and I were treated by them.
I've changed over the years to overcome the damage of a sad childhood, and both of my children have worked through whatever they suffered at my ineptness. My daughter and I are close, while my son, with whom I used to be very close, started treating me dismissively once he went off on his own.
I've wondered whether telling them both the true story of my upbringing, including traumatic events they have no clue happened to me and my siblings, would be all right this late in the game.
What does Amy think?
Amy says: I don't suggest initiating a discussion about this with your children unless there is some meaningful context and you are prepared for a wide spectrum of responses, ranging from compassion toward you to blaming you for disparaging their grandparents.
It would be wisest to start by discussing your childhood trauma with your siblings. They might have made disclosure choices with their own families that would influence you.
Understand that your children might not know what to do with your revelations. Approach this as a successful survivor, responding honestly to questions.
I do suggest initiating an open and frank conversation about alcohol abuse in your childhood. Alcoholism can manifest as a family disorder, and your children should be aware of the alcoholism in their family.
As for repairing the relationship with your son, I don't believe you would necessarily build a bridge by talking about your childhood experiences, but by encouraging him to talk about his own and then taking it from there.
A gift gone astray
Dear Amy: I attended a large celebration at a public venue. All of the (many) gifts were placed on a table. My gift was expensive and personal, and ever since placing it on the table, I've been worried that it did not make it into the hands of the recipient.
It has been over a month, and I have not heard anything. Should I call? I don't want to seem like I am trolling for a thank-you card.
Amy says: Yes, call, text or email. You can start by saying how much fun you had at the event and thanking the person for inviting you.
Then, be honest. Say, "I've been freaking out a little bit that my gift might have gotten lost in the pile. Can you do me a favor and let me know whether you received it?"
Send questions to Amy Dickinson at askamy@amydickinson.com.
