Dear Amy: My husband is 12 years older than I am. We recently lost his wonderful mother (at age 93), and mine (she was 80). I loved both of these women, and I miss them terribly.
My mother lived with us for the past five years, and I took care of her. Now that she is gone, I am craving having some time alone. But it hasn't happened.
I'm still working, but my husband has retired. He does volunteer work at two different places. I have asked him to please let me have a day to myself every week, but he just doesn't seem to get it. He plans his days home to coincide with my days off.
I just want a day to myself. Is this too much to ask?
Ann says: No, it's not too much to ask. You already have asked, and your husband — for whatever reason — is not willing to grant you what you need.
So take it. Schedule a vacation day from work on a day your husband is volunteering. Then explain, after the fact. Say, "I have to have some time to myself at home. It's that simple."
I also highly recommend taking a mini-break and going to a nearby spot for a day and overnight by yourself. You will return feeling so much better — and you can hope that your husband will note and appreciate the positive impact on you.
Should you tell?
Dear Amy: I am responding to a letter writer who was unsure if she should tell her friend that the woman's husband is having an affair. I appreciate that she gave the husband the opportunity to tell his wife first, but he didn't.
It's interesting that people who possess such knowledge feel they will "destroy someone's marriage" or "ruin someone's life" if they share such information. You are not the one destroying the marriage, the cheating spouse is.
My husband lived in the basement, emotionally left our family and basically ignored our two young boys and me for five years. He barely worked and destroyed our finances. (We had to borrow tens of thousands of dollars from my parents, which I don't have the ability to repay.) I thought he was depressed. I didn't know that he was having an affair with one of my friends.
Mutual friends were very suspicious of their relationship but chose not to tell me. Yes, it would have been hard to hear the truth, but having the knowledge of his affair would have saved me from five years of him draining our bank accounts, five years of emotional hell and five developmental years of my boys' lives. One son, now 18, told me, "You didn't want to leave Dad because you thought your boys needed a father, but we didn't have a father." Ouch. Telling someone about their spouse's affair could actually be life-giving.
Amy says: Knowing the truth also enables a couple to work on repairing a marriage. Many relationships do survive infidelity.
Send questions to Amy Dickinson at askamy@amydickinson.com.
