Dear Amy: It's been four months since losing my wife of 40 years. She made me promise to move on with life. To keep that promise, I have removed my wedding ring. I have started dating.
I am moving slowly, wanting to develop a friendship before a serious relationship. My family thinks I am moving too fast. What do you think?
Amy says: No other person gets to decide when you should start to move on with your life.
However, your children might try to weigh in out of concern for you. You should listen respectfully — and then do what you want to do, but with the awareness that your choices matter to other people.
If you are actually dating in order to satisfy a promise you made to your late wife, then be aware that this is not the optimal way to approach a new relationship. Nor do you need to justify your dating by framing it as keeping a promise.
Counselors often suggest not making any huge or life-altering decisions during the first year after the death of a loved one. So yes, take things slowly.
The following is from a study of 350 widows and widowers, published by the National Institutes of Health:
"By 25 months after the spouse's death, 61% of men and 19% of women were either remarried or involved in a new romance. Women expressed more negative feelings about forming new romantic relationships."
The study concludes: "Greater psychological well-being was highly correlated with being remarried or in a new romance 25 months after the spouse's death. It may be helpful for family, friends and therapists to know that dating and remarriage are common and appear to be highly adaptive behaviors among the recently bereaved."
A reluctant guest
Dear Amy: A former colleague is getting married this summer. We were close when we worked together and have kept in touch through the years.
Because of COVID-related restrictions, no significant others are invited to the event. It is not nearby, and no one I really know will be in attendance. I do not want to go. If we still worked together, that would be a different story. And I will send a card and a gift, of course.
Why am I so torn about not going?
Amy says: You likely are torn about your choice not to attend the wedding because — as we are all emerging from the isolation caused by the pandemic — you don't want to slog through a wedding full of strangers by yourself, and yet you believe that after a year of isolation, you should want to do it.
Go easy on yourself. You might never get to the point where you want to attend a wedding by yourself where you don't really know anyone, but these — and other — social occasions will seem less overwhelming as time goes on.
Send Ask Amy questions via e-mail to Amy Dickinson at askamy@tribpub.com.
