Dear Amy: Recently my children and I were with my in-laws at a crowded event where I relied on my father in-law to supervise my son (age 4) while I was with my toddler daughter.
My father in-law tries to connect with my son by "being silly," which for him means nose pinching, tickling, tug-of-war while holding hands and general rough-housing and clownish behavior.
Occasionally my son laughs with him, but more often I can tell by his body language that he feels assaulted by all the unwanted touching.
At one point he fell down and was sobbing because his grandpa essentially pushed him down.
As we said goodbye and Grandpa tried to jostle him into a hug (while saying "You don't have to hug me if you don't want to"), my son refused to say goodbye at all. I said our goodbyes and it began to dawn on me to ask my son if Grandpa "nudges" him too much.
He said, "I love Grandpa so much, and every time I see him I'm so excited to play. But he makes me so sad every time because he's too rough."
My question is, what is the best way to approach this?
Amy says: Let's stipulate that this grandfather is not intentionally being a bully, but he is behaving the way he knows how to behave and has always behaved with children. He may justify this by believing he is "toughening up the little guy!" But this behavior from a beloved adult is extremely confusing, as your son articulated so well.
Coach your son to express his needs: "Grandpa, no — too rough!" Also pass along your son's quoted comments and ask your father-in-law: "Can you dial down the rough-housing? It's pretty hard on him."
A suitable suitor?
Dear Amy: My 30-year-old (younger) sister is transfixed by a man who in another time would be called "a rake." He is handsome, charming and has a reputation as a womanizer.
My instincts to try to protect my sister are very strong, but I don't want to overstep or alienate her. Your suggestion?
Amy says: I appreciate the term "rake" because it brings to mind visions of "lovable scoundrels" from English literature. I therefore turn to Jane Austen for advice.
In "Sense and Sensibility," (a story about a protective older sister), the beautiful younger sister "Marianne" falls hard for the rakish Mr. Willoughby, while the somber and appropriate Colonel Brandon loves her from afar.
Brandon offers a most gracious blessing to the doomed couple, which I'll paraphrase here: "I pray that she will be happy, and that he will somehow deserve her."
What you can do for your sister is to hope for her happiness, and stand in her corner if things don't go well. Weighing in — especially if you are not invited — will not help.
Send questions to Amy Dickinson at askamy@amydickinson.com.
