Dear Amy: Over a decade ago, I escaped an extremely emotionally and sometimes physically abusive partner and proceeded to raise kind, compassionate and successful children on my own.
Now in adulthood, all but one has established a relationship with this pretty much absent parent, who now wants to stage a get-together that includes my new spouse and myself. I use the word "stage" because my ex has continued to demonstrate manipulative behavior that has created quite a wedge between me and my middle child.
My ex loves to create scenarios and knows me well enough to push my buttons. While I have the strength not to show anything but a pleasant reaction, it still hurts. I do not want to go to this get-together but feel pressured. My children see it as a step forward for all of us to heal and be a big, happy family.
I have done my best not to disparage my ex. If I don't go, the ex will use my refusal to make me look bad. If I do go, I will endure my past trauma being stirred up again, while my ex gets to look good. What should I do?
Amy says: Many exes can manage happy, peaceful and inclusive family events, but for others (such as yourself), breakup is a liberation from having to be in your ex's presence.
You should encourage your children to maintain whatever relationship they want to have with their other parent, but you should also explain to them that being someone's child is vastly different from being someone's ex. Your kids might find an understandable equivalent if you asked them if they would enjoy bringing their most painful breakup partner to a dinner with you and your spouse, all in the name of celebrating a happy reconciliation.
Your children need to understand that the way things are now (both of their parents in your separate spheres) is as close as you are ever going to get to being a "big, happy family," and that as far as you are concerned, that's a pretty good result.
Always maintain a careful equanimity concerning your ex, but don't cave. Manipulators love getting a rise out of people (it's ammo!). So steady on, no wobbles.
Balking at girlfriend tag
Dear Amy: My girlfriend (age 54) thinks it childish to introduce me as her boyfriend, and she doesn't think I should introduce her as my girlfriend.
I've met all her family and most of her friends, and she has met mine. We take many trips together and stay at each other's houses weekly. We are intertwined quite nicely and communicate beautifully.
I totally disagree with her regarding this manner of address. But it's certainly not a deal breaker, even though it offends me. I'd respect your opinion on this matter.
Amy says: I'm not clear about what the actual issue is. If your significant other doesn't want to be referred to as your girlfriend because she doesn't want people to see that you are in a committed, exclusive relationship, then that's a serious relationship question that you two should discuss.
However, I can completely understand why a 54-year-old woman would not want to be referred to as a girlfriend. Far from being flirty and youthful, the term "girl" is considered an insult by some grown women.
I used to take issue with the term "partner" to describe a committed love relationship, but I've come around. Would this work for you two?
Send questions to Amy Dickinson at askamy@amydickinson.com.
