Dear Amy: Everyone claims that college is the best time of your life. My friends pressure me by saying that I have a limited opportunity to go wild and have fun.
Recently, I have been having a lot of one-night stands. I realized how damaging this was for me when I hooked up with a guy who I thought was cute and honestly would like to get to know better.
The next day a group of us (including him) hung out. I pretended not to care about him. He was flirting with some of my friends, so I decided to flirt with one of his friends. I was avoiding how I was really feeling by flirting with his friend.
Why do I keep doing this and how do I stop? In this world where double standards are such a thing, I try to be the bigger person to pretend that I don't care, but I do.
I was truly upset when he was talking to one of my friends and I got jealous.
Amy says: First this: The same subset of people who claim high school is the most awesome time of life also claim that college is your last chance to "be wild."
I'm here to tell you that no phase of life has a lock on awesome. And the experience of wild abandon is most wonderful when you are mature enough to treasure — down to your cells — the true joy of feeling your own "aliveness."
Other reasons why people look back on the college years with such fondness involve the challenges of diving into your intellect, growing up alongside a diverse group of people, arguing over the great realm of ideas, exploring your spirituality, learning how to live authentically and yes, also having sexual experiences.
As a young woman, you have the right (and the duty) to claim your own power. What you are going through right now means that you are growing! Growth equals change.
Pretending you don't care about someone is not being "the bigger person." Jealousy is a natural human emotion. Learning to love yourself means that you will treasure your own complex emotions, and you won't beat yourself up for feeling your feelings.
An evolving person who has overindulged will have the dawning realization: "Hmmm, this isn't working for me." And that person will then explore behavior, examine motivation and choose to live differently. This is your time.
Fiancé a cheater
Dear Amy: I caught my fiancé cheating! He was sending nasty pictures of himself to another woman. He swears he's never slept with her.
We are supposed to get married in two months. I'm devastated. Everything is already paid for, and I have no idea what to do.
Amy says: I'm so sorry you are going through this.
Is your fiancé sorry? Other than defensively stating that he hasn't slept with this other woman, has he explained why he did this? Does he not consider this cheating?
You need to try very hard to put wedding thoughts on hold for at least two weeks, while you two talk about this.
Only you can decide if this is a deal-breaker; your decision will be based on the conversations that flow from this episode. If it is a deal-breaker, then losing this money will be the best money you've ever spent.
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