Dear Amy: Recently my oldest daughter had a 15th birthday party sleepover.
Her best friend, as well as my nieces and nephews, spent the weekend celebrating with her at our home.
Sunday morning at around 2 a.m., my husband woke me up to tell me that he caught my 15-year-old nephew having sex with my daughter's best friend on my living room couch! (Sadly, unprotected.)
I immediately called the girl's mother and alerted her and brought the girl home. Same with my nephew.
Now my daughter is worried that her friend's mom won't let them stay friends.
I'm sick with guilt. I feel responsible as the adult and I feel terrible because my daughter has a hard time connecting with new people and this will most likely set her back. Understandably, the girl's mother was furious and hasn't responded to my calls and text messages.
I'm not sure what my next step is in all this.
Amy says: Let's stipulate that — if they are motivated — some teens can and will have sex. There can also be sexual activity at same-sex sleepovers, but those stakes are much different, because there is no chance of a resulting pregnancy.
It is surprising, to say the least, that you and your husband would actually provide not only the location, but the opportunity for risky sexual activity, by hosting a coed sleepover.
I do know of parents (and organizations) that successfully host coed teen sleepovers, but they do so with very specific guidelines, chaperones, and — of course — with the knowledge and consent of all parents involved.
As the adults who made this choice, you shouldn't just "feel" responsible. You (and your husband) are responsible.
You cannot control how these other parents handle their children or how they react to you. If you didn't inform the girl's parents in advance that boys would be spending the night at your house, I believe it would be a rational consequence for them to refuse to let their daughter spend time at your home again.
Do not interfere or intervene regarding the friendship between the two girls, unless your daughter expressly asks you for help. And even then, you may have to explain to her that even though this was not her doing, one additional consequence of teens having sex is that it can unfortunately interfere with their friendships.
Negativity is draining
Dear Amy: I volunteer weekly with a nonprofit group. "Barbara" is in charge of organizing our work.
Barbara has a tendency to complain all the time, which brings a lot of negativity into the space we work in and stresses us out!
I understand that people are anxious and need to vent, but it feels like we are captive to her negative energy.
If we complain, she threatens to quit. This would be a shame, but we could likely go ahead without her. What to do?
Amy says: You don't say what important work your nonprofit performs, but part of that service might be in providing the social and emotional benefits related to the act of volunteering, itself.
Keep this in mind as you attempt to offer a course correction to your own negative "Barbara."
I suggest that you individually offer her feedback: "We're all volunteers her, trying to help the organization, I'm concerned that sometimes your own negativity takes center stage. We care about you, so this affects the rest of us, and can get in the way of the good work we're trying to do."
Send questions to Amy Dickinson at askamy@amydickinson.com.
