Dear Amy: We are starting to have trouble with family members who are dog lovers.
This Christmas we were asked to host the family gathering. We have elderly cats in our home. We do not have a fenced yard, nor any facility to host dogs. So we asked family members to leave their dogs at home, find accommodation for them or, perhaps, host Christmas themselves.
People brought their dogs, anyway. Some insisted that we confine our cats to a bedroom. Others told us that we had to fence in our yard before next year to accommodate their dogs.
This isn't fair to our cats, us or other members of the family. One dog always jumps up on people, and we have disabled and elderly members of the family who can't withstand having a larger dog jump up on them.
Some dogs have stolen food off the table, and others don't get along well with the other dogs.
I'm sorry that it is difficult for us to accommodate them, but owning a dog is their choice and comes with responsibility that perhaps they might have to find a pet sitter for one or two days if the place they are traveling to cannot accommodate their animals.
I arrange for pet care for our cats when we go out of town and don't force them on other family members. I ask for the same consideration in return. What are your thoughts?
Amy says: Before I had a dog, I was assured that I would see my own dog as a "fur baby," sort of child substitute. Then I got a dog, and nope — this beloved animal is not my baby.
Yes, the dog is definitely a member of the family (as my many cats have been), but good and responsible parenting — of the human or canine kind — requires that you occasionally find good outside care because your baby (human or "fur") can't go everywhere with you. And if you can't find care, you might have to stay home.
You have the right to ask family members not to bring their dogs to your holiday party, and they should respect this understandable request. When they host family gatherings, you will find care for your feline family members and put up with their dogs.
The good news is that it looks like you're off the hook for hosting next year.
Trip hits detour
Dear Amy: Our kids gave us a "family" trip for Christmas, including children and grandchildren.
My sister, who is a widow, was with us at the time and invited herself along. I have no desire to have her along, and I find it presumptuous of her to invite herself. But now I'm the jerk because I said no quite sharply.
She kept nagging about it, and my kids said there would be room. Adding to the pressure — she is diabetic and almost blind, so, yes, she is needy. But I refused to yield. The trip was intended for our family, not including her.
Am I wrong to feel this way?
Amy says: You are not "wrong" to feel what you feel, but, from your own account, you reacted and behaved badly. Are you proud of your actions?
You should apologize to everyone for the way you reacted. You should especially apologize to your sister. Tell her, "I hope you understand that I want to experience this special trip with my kids and grandchildren, but I should not have reacted the way I did, and I'm sorry."
It probably also would help if you offered her an alternative, perhaps a trip with just you.
Send questions to Amy Dickinson at askamy@amydickinson.com.
