Dear Amy: I recently reconnected with "Mara" after an on-again, off-again affair that spans many ups and a few downs over 20 years.
As traveling professionals, we had a worldwide torrid affair for years. We were both single parents, so we were not together consistently. We feel very lucky to have had these experiences.
Our kids are now adults.
Mara and I recently reunited. We are deeply in love and quite compatible, but I am having an unusual problem.
She has periods where she is "barking" (as she puts it). She is disagreeable and argumentative to the point where communication shuts down.
She seems to be operating from a place of anger. I am not. She becomes defensive and illogical when I ask if something is bothering her.
After our "timeout," she often apologizes, but offers no explanation.
A few solo car rides do help but given the increasing frequency of the "barking" and subsequent recovery period (uncomfortable time for me), I am starting to get concerned.
Though not the only trigger, when I have a drink after work or on the weekend, she tends to "bark." However, she is a social drinker herself.
I don't know anything in her history related to substance abuse, and I have asked her about this specific point, but I get nothing. It is confusing. Do you have any theories?
Amy says: Running away is a natural response to loud "barking." You are choosing "flight" over "fight," and while that might be the wisest choice in the moment, you and "Mara" aren't dealing with her behavior — or what might be causing it.
Because you mention your drinking as a trigger, start there. Do you behave differently after you've had a drink? Do you become loud, sarcastic, or sleepy? Did she have another partner (or a parent) who had a drinking problem? Might her own alcohol use be triggering her anger? Talk about your mutual alcohol use.
Is she going through menopause? This monumental hormonal shift can cause extreme behavioral changes. She should see her doctor. Does she signal her stress before an eruption? If so, perhaps she — and not you — could go for a drive to cool down.
Try to look beyond her anger (for now) and key into her longing. What does she want? What do you want?
She wants out
Dear Amy: I hate my husband of 21 years. I don't want to be married to him anymore, but I am fearful of what the future holds if I leave.
I am 56, I do not make a lot of money, nor do I have much in retirement savings. My three children are all over 18 (two still live at home).
I am also afraid that if I don't leave, I will never be able to be my true self and live in peace.
What should I do? Should I stay for financial security, or leave with the hope of being happy?
Amy says: If you hate your husband, with no hopes of reconciling the relationship, then you should leave.
You don't seem to have done any research regarding how divorce would affect your financial situation. You should research the laws in your state and speak with a lawyer. Dividing your marital assets might provide you with a small nest egg.
You should also consider the impact that divorce would have on your other relationships in order to prepare yourself for some emotional instability.
You have at least 10 years of earning power left before retirement. Your financial planning should include a realistic budget for living a pared-down life.
Send questions to Amy Dickinson at askamy@amydickinson.com.
