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Commenter Clarence Swamptown is back with his increasingly popular feature "Clearance Clarence," which is basically an unfiltered plunge into his soul. It's a terrifying place, but there are sweet rewards. This week he delves into the world of wiener trajectory and the like. As usual, the opinions expressed on Clearance Clarence don't necessarily represent those of RandBall or the Star Tribune. Clarence?
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*The Star Tribune has an online poll to determine the best Minnesota State boys hockey champion of all time. The poll's championship is between 1965 International Falls and 1993 Bloomington Jefferson. I was not alive in 1965, so I cannot speak on that International Falls team. But I did play against Bloomington Jefferson in 1993. Jefferson won state championships in 1992, 1993, and 1994 – which were my sophomore, junior, and senior years. During that span we played them 6 times and were outscored 33 to 1. The Jefferson band would play their school song during warm-ups, at the beginning of every period, and after every goal. By my own calculation, I heard that song at least 57 times from 1992 to 1994. I can sing that song on demand. I hate that song. But that 1993 Bloomington Jefferson team was the best high school hockey team I have ever seen. *Country & Western Song of the Week: Gimme Some Water by Eddie Money. *For the next two Sundays, the ubiquitous Michael Rand will be on AM-1500 SportsTalk from 3 to 6 p.m. He is also formally announcing his candidacy for Governor, collecting census information, and opening for Justin Bieber at Bandana Square. *I just participated in my Minnesota Twins season ticket draft. I realize that nobody cares, but here are the 10 games that I selected: 4/15 BOS, 5/12 CWS, 6/10 KC, 7/3 TB, 7/17 CWS, 7/21 CLE, 8/13 OAK, 9/3 TEX, 10/1 TOR. Please remember that I have a metric {redacted} ton of children, so I had to avoid weekday night games as to avoid my kid's summer activities. Other than that, my season ticket draft strategy was to try and spread the games out over the entire season, but focus on the warm-weather months. *If anyone has access to a wind tunnel, please let me know. I would like to test the aerodynamics of the Twins' new wiener varieties. *The Minnesota Twins also announced that their usual Wednesday Dollar Dog promotion will be moved to Mondays. I am angry. I drafted tickets for 2 Wednesday games, but zero Monday games. I believe this is deliberate conspiracy between the Twins' front office and the Cargill corporation, because the Twins know that Cargill's profit margin would be devastated if I attend multiple Dollar Dog games. Let's deconstruct the timeline: The Twins made their announcement only hours after my season ticket draft (true). Everyone else in my season ticket draft works for Cargill (true). These are the facts. NO ONE DENIES THIS. *I could have gone my whole life without knowing La Velle E. Neal III's bathroom blogging habits.
Look, I know that this was not a particularly great Clearance Clarence. Everyone is on edge this morning. The Joe Nathan news sucks. We still don't have a
Joe Mauer contract. We can't get the mental image of LEN3 out of our minds. But let's try to stay calm. Your thoughts on the high school hockey poll, Rand's omnipresence, and wiener aerodynamics are welcome in the comments.
