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The Vikings are going to win this thing, right? But only if we all do our part. Perhaps you have a special place to watch the games, or you do certain things on third downs. It's all about tradition and rituals. Sure, things like a solid game plan and fantastic plays by the athletes help, but we all know that big games eventually come down to the fans' superstitions.
We'd better observe every single ritual today, because I don't want to hear Vikings coach Mike Zimmer sitting down for his postgame news conference and saying:
"We played our best, but we came into the game with some injuries — Bob in Belle Plaine had a sore wrist from high-fiving last week, and he brought in the beer from the car with his left hand instead of his right, which contributed to Philadelphia's punt-return touchdown.
"But you have to give credit to Chad in Maple Grove, because he wore his purple socks like he always does, and I think that helped Case Keenum connect with Stefon Diggs on that third-and-long right before halftime. We were all a little worried because Chad's wife washed the socks last week by mistake; looking at the stats week to week, it seemed the connection between the unwashed purple socks and our third-down conversion percentage was ironclad, but, well, any given Sunday, like they say.
"We got off to a good start. Steve in Minneapolis put the pizza in the oven after our first score, as usual, and he forget about it, as usual. That's been our plan all season — to not throw a long pass until the smoke detector goes off. And we have to give credit to Jane and Marcus in Duluth, because they always pause the game so they're a few minutes behind, which gives Case extra time to find the receiver downfield.
"We started feeling some pressure during the third quarter, though. Philly stepped up their defense, and Caleb — he's a rookie from Burnsville — sat on the remote and changed the channel, which is why we had that busted play where Case threw to someone on HBO and the ball was intercepted by the dragon from 'Game of Thrones.' It's a rookie mistake, and we still think Caleb has a great career as a fan ahead of him.
"We thought we'd turned it around when we scored late in the third quarter to tie it up, but Joe in Fridley dropped his phone in the excitement of it all and cracked the screen. He couldn't text any taunts, and we missed his contribution in the fourth quarter.
"But it was really a question of will and determination. The Eagles fans just came to win. They had more rituals, like kneeling before the TV, holding up a cheesesteak. That caught us by surprise. They had a deep bench of veteran fans who had framed ticket stubs from 1973 and throw pillows embroidered with Ron Jaworski's face. That last field goal that hit the goalpost and bounced through? There was a guy in Wilkes-Barre who wears a football medallion and only tucks it in his shirt if the play really, really matters. He put it in his shirt on that kick. What can you do against that?"
Don't misunderstand, Vikings fans. I'm not predicting that this will happen. Skol and skol some more, I say.
But just to be safe, everything you did last week? Do it again.
james.lileks@startribune.com • 612-673-7858 • Twitter: @Lileks • facebook.com/james.lileks
