When she handed her newborn over to her parents to look after for the first time, Kate Rope also gave them a list — or perhaps a more appropriate term would be an instruction manual on how they should look after their granddaughter.
"I gave them a typed, single-spaced, three-page document that was, as I look back on it now, embarrassingly detailed and patronizing," she said.
These were, of course, the same people who had raised her, so it wasn't like that they had no experience with babies. But so much has changed over the past few decades — from back-to-sleep advice to avoiding crib bumpers to feeding practices — that it's not surprising that many parents feel as if they need to include instructions when leaving babies with grandparents.
But at the same time, parents want to avoid offending their own parents. So how can parents approach this topic in a sensitive way with grandparents without creating a rift?
Discussing these concerns, and clarifying which ones are the real deal-breakers, is important when parents leave their grandchildren with their own parents, said Shona Gore, associate editor of the International Journal of Birth and Parent Education. But do so tactfully, because done wrong, these discussions can turn into quarrels that could last for years and ultimately have a detrimental effect on your child's life.
"My advice is to have an open discussion about the way you are trying to bring up your children with your own parents and in-laws," she said. "But I would also advise you to pick your battles and only insist on those things that really matter."
Part of a grandparent's role is to spoil the grandchildren, and, of course, the occasional indulgence isn't going to harm anyone. But first-time parents can be hypersensitive and their judgment can be clouded by the newness of it all. This sometimes leads to advice or restrictions that may seem over-the-top.
Rope, the author of "Strong as a Mother," said she instructed her parents to be careful of anything that might fall on the floor, not to eat nuts in the house at all, to always stay close to her newly mobile daughter in case she fell over and to keep a hand on her on the changing table "at all times."
From Rope's point of view, this probably all seemed sensible. But what did her parents think?
"My first reaction to Kate's rigorous instruction was amusement," said Priscilla Rope, Kate's mom. "She had written very detailed thoughts and requirements, but all were written in a very calm and respectful way. That said, Kate's instructions were a bit too detailed but better than vague 'suggestions.' I was by no means insulted."
She also acknowledged that some of the instructions covered issues that had changed since her own parenting days, and she found those directives useful. This included having no bumper in the crib and being careful about blankets and other coverings in the crib with the baby.
She did, for the most part, follow her daughter's guidelines. But she also admitted to the occasional deviation — including breaking the "no television" rule by allowing the baby to be in the room while the set was on. She also confessed to cutting a few corners when it came to getting her granddaughter to sleep.
"I remember thinking that the entire down-to-sleep process was a bit too complicated and time-consuming," Priscilla Rope said. "I didn't believe I needed to sing so long or rock so long. Kate's instructions were precise, but I didn't feel I had to follow them precisely."
