Q: My ex has lived with a woman for about a year and a half. It was fine at first, but they recently went on a trip with the kids, ages 8 and 11, and I realized this isn't OK with me. I don't want to even talk to my kids when they come home. I'm to the point where I want them to choose me or her. The next time they go on vacation I think I should be included because I don't think it is right that she spend time with my children if I want to be there. What's good ex-etiquette?
A: Not this — times a thousand. These are the kind of thoughts you should keep to yourself — and try to work through with the help of a therapist. Everything you wrote is about you and not about your kids. To not want to talk to your children because they went on vacation with their dad and his girlfriend of a year and a half is so misguided that if you truly treat your kids as you describe, it's emotionally abusive.
Divorce changes a lot of things, starting with the concept of "family." It sounds as if you think you are their real and true family and their time with Dad is just an afterthought. I can assure you that this is not true to your children. They love both parents, and if they are like most kids with whom I have worked, they face an inner conflict regarding allegiance to each parent. Your job is to help them adjust, not make it more difficult.
To think you should go on future vacations with Dad and his girlfriend when the kids go with them is completely absurd. Too much togetherness can be very confusing to your kids. The best thing that could happen is that the girlfriend becomes a permanent fixture and your kids form a loving bond with her. That is, if you want what's best for the kids. That's putting them first — and good ex-etiquette.
Jann Blackstone is the founder of bonusfamilies.com.
