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Commenter Clarence Swamptown is back with his increasingly popular feature "Clearance Clarence," which is basically an unfiltered plunge into his soul. It's a terrifying place, but there are sweet rewards. This week, his greatest contribution is mapping out a streaking route at Target Field. He, of course, does not condone actually doing it. All in good fun! Let the imagination run wild! As usual, the opinions expressed on Clearance Clarence don't necessarily represent those of RandBall or the Star Tribune. Clarence?

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*So last night's game did not go very well. Scott Baker could not find his control and he was visibly uncomfortable. After every pitch he would circle the mound, rub the ball, lick his fingers, check his cup, etc. It was frustrating to watch. But do not panic, Scott Baker is not the Twins' ace. The Twins will not have an "ace" in the traditional sense, they will have 3 to 5 above-average starters. Kevin Slowey will be the Twins best pitcher. He will lead the team in wins. He will have the lowest ERA. He will start the first game of the playoffs. Kevin Slowey will be the Twins' most reliable pitcher and he will make everything okay. No, I am not this guy. *Country & Western Song of the Week: Hard Core Troubadour by Steve Earle. *Celebrity Birthday Doppelganger Department: In 1997 I went to a George Strait concert in Fargo, North Dakota. That day I read an article in the Fargo Forum about the concert's opening act, a young singer from Florida named Mindy McCready. Within the article I discovered that Mindy McCready and I were born on the exact same date in 1975. I thought to myself, wow, we are the exact same age but she already has a multi-platinum album, four hit songs, a marriage to Superman Dean Cain, and millions of dollars. I was living in a rundown apartment and drinking $7 per case Busch Light returnables. In the marathon of life, she was miles ahead of me. It was a quasi-revelation that I should pick myself up and get my life together. Fast-forward 13 years later. Mindy McCready has been dropped from her record label. She has an alleged adult video on the internet, an alleged affair with Roger Clemens, an extensive rap sheet, and a stint on Celebrity Rehab with Dr. Drew. In the marathon of life, I am gaining on her. I didn't pick myself up, I just waited for her to fall down. It is nice having a birthday partner to use as a career measuring stick. Mindy McCready, objects in your mirror are closer than they appear. * Target Field Parking Tip: I went to the Twins' exhibition game on Saturday afternoon. I found free parking inside of Target Center, beneath the rim. Nobody made me move, and my minivan was in Sunday morning's boxscore with 16 points and 10 rebounds for the Heat. *During Saturday's game I watched the first few innings from Section 125, and the last few innings from the Budweiser Party Deck. It was glorious. I will spare you a full review of the stadium because you've heard it all before. Every characteristic of Target Field has been analyzed. But there is one aspect of the stadium has been largely ignored to date. Attached is my primitive Guide to Streaking at Target Field (photo courtesy of here) that you will only find at RandBall.

The green line maps what I consider to be the optimal streaking route within the stadium*. You could try entering the field along the third base line, but the security guards will probably wrestle you to the ground immediately. DO NOT JUMP ONTO THE FIELD FROM THE BUDWEISER PARTY DECK. IT IS TOO HIGH. YOU WILL DIE. If you somehow access the field, you should run as fast as you can towards the first base line. Serpentine. DO NOT RUN NEAR JIM THOME BECAUSE JIMMER WILL TACKLE YOU AND MAKE YOU INDIVIDUALLY APOLOGIZE TO EVERYONE IN THE STADIUM. If Jon Rauch has not yet broken your neck, exit the field along the first base line where the wall is short. Run up the stairs, take a sharp left, and exit the stadium thru Target Plaza. Your police escort will be waiting along 5th Street. *Disclaimer: Do not streak at Target Field. It is childish and you will get arrested. This is only a hypothetical exercise and a reflection of the kind of thing I think about at a new stadium. Maybe you do too. It is okay to admit it. I would love to hear about your Celebrity Birthday Doppelgangers and your streaking stories in the comments below. [Editor's note: Rocket already took care of the streaking stories during his best man speech at your humble proprietor's wedding].