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Each week commenter Clarence Swamptown takes over this space and makes you laugh with his weirdness. This week is even weirder than usual, which is good news for almost everyone. As usual, the opinions expressed by Clarence do not necessarily represent those of RandBall or the Star Tribune. Clarence? -------------
There are people in the world who believe that re-writing song lyrics is the lowest form of comedy. They see song parodies as mindless base humor meant to mollify the huddled proletariat of American society. They see Weird Al Yankovic's magnum opus Eat It as nothing but dry pabulum for the great unwashed. To these people I say: "Yeah, you're probably right."
Fortunately for these people, what follows is not a song parody. In a Clearance Clarence exclusive I have secured the top secret original words to the hit song Back to December, as initially written by Minnesota Twins General Manager Bill Smith. As the story goes, Bill Smith actually wrote these lyrics last night after a red-eye flight to Baltimore. Embarrassed for his feelings, he then traveled back in time and gave the lyrics to Taylor Swift, asking her to modify some words in order to hide his shame. But how does Bill Smith know Taylor Swift? And where did he get a time machine? Look, it's a very complicated story and I don't have the time to explain every little detail. Just know that the song is not about Taylor Swift's breakup with Twilight heartthrob Taylor Lautner. That's a lie. The song is actually about Bill Smith's heartbreak over trading JJ Hardy to Baltimore on December 9th, 2010. That trade was the offseason domino that started the Twins' current freefall, and last night's shortstop adventures finally broke Bill Smith down. If he could change the past, he would. But he can't. So here is Bill Smith's love song to J.J. Hardy. It helps if you watch the video and listen to the song while reading the words. Please enjoy:
Back to December by Bill Smith: I'm so glad you made time to see me. How's Brendan Harris? Tell me how's your family? I haven't seen them in a while. You've been good, busier than ever. Small talk - work and the weather. Your guard is up and I know why. Because the last time you saw me is still burned in the back of your mind. You gave me solid defense and reasonable offensive production from the shortstop position, and I traded you to Baltimore for 2 minor league middle {redacted} relievers.
So this is me swallowing my pride, standing in front of you saying I'm sorry for that night. And I go back to December all the time. It turns out Jim Hoey cannot consistently locate his split-finger fastball or fall back on a reliable secondary pitch. I'm wishing I realized that when you were mine. I'd go back to December, turn around and make it alright. I go back to December all the time.
These days I haven't been sleeping. I'm staying up playing back you leaving. You hit a grand slam against the Rays last week, and I didn't call. Then I think about last summer and all the beautiful times I watched you field a routine ground ball with urgency and not double-clutch or throw it into the {redacted} bleachers. I realized I loved you that fall. But then the sweep came, the dark days, when lack of team speed crept into my mind. You gave me all your love and I traded you to Baltimore for 2 minor league middle {redacted} relievers WHY DID I DO THAT?
So this is me swallowing my pride, standing in front of you saying I'm sorry for that night. And I go back to December all the time. It turns out Brett Jacobsen is a journeyman 24 year old AA middle reliever for a reason. I'm wishing I realized that when you were mine. I'd go back to December, turn around and change my own mind. I go back to December all the time.
[BRIDGE]: I miss your tan skin, your sweet smile, so good to me, so right. How you held me in your arms that disastrous Ramos-Capps trade night. The first time you ever saw me cry. Maybe this is wishful thinking. Probably mindless dreaming. But if you played here again, I swear you can wear number 7 like you wanted. Nobody's using it anyway. I'd go back in time and change it, but I can't. So if we end up in your no-trade clause, I understand.
This is me swallowing my pride, standing in front of you saying I'm sorry for that night. And I go back to December… It turns out your salary wasn't used effectively in the offseason anyway. I'm wishing I realized that when you were mine. I'd go back to December turn around and make it alright. I'd go back to December, turn around and change my own mind. I go back to December all the time. All the time. XXXXXXOOOO
